It must change a person…
A few weeks ago I heard a story from a co-worker which opened my eyes considerably to his particular personality quirks. Dan is a good guy…a bit gruff at times, but basically a good guy. He is an ex-marine…although, he would just say a marine. I must admit that when I first met Dan six years ago, I was somewhat put-off by his, how shall I put it…rough edges. However, in the past several months of actually spending more time with him, I’ve decided he is actually a decent fellow. He takes care of his elderly mother who suffers from an extreme case of Alzheimer’s disease, and when push comes to shove, gets the job done in many areas.
I knew that Dan was a marine in his younger days. He still wears Semper-Fi patches on his motorcycle jacket and speaks of his time in ‘the corp’ frequently. However, a few weeks ago he told the story of how, in the late 1970′s, he killed a man in hand to hand combat somewhere in the jungles of Central America. He told the story in his usual gung-ho Dan-like manner, but there was a subtle disturbance in his voice as he spoke the words. It was obvious that this experience, although quite unavoidable, still haunted him. By the end of the tale he mentioned that he sometimes wakes from tormenting dreams in which he repeatedly re-lives the experience. He doesn’t seem to be actually complaining about it…simply stating it matter-of-factly.
I won’t go into the details of the story. Suffice it to say that he grappled with a man on the jungle floor who, were it not for his body armor, would have driven a large knife into Dan’s heart. The then quite young marine managed to reach his sidearm, pushed it under his opponent’s chin, and pulled the trigger. It was still some time before he was able to free himself as he was pinned underneath his unfortunate attacker’s corpse.
After hearing this story, and more importantly the way Dan told it, I couldn’t help but wonder how such an event changes a man. I have lost loved-ones, so I can imagine what it is like to lose a comrade in arms. However, I have never been put into the situation in which I was required to take another man’s life or lose my own. Make no mistake, I would do it if I had to…in fact, I would do it with extreme prejudice if the lives of my wife or children were at stake. But, I have to wonder…how would such a thing change me?
Most major religions treat murder as a mortal sin. The King James translation of the Holy Bible actually says “Thou shalt not kill”, which seems clear enough. However, recently I was surprised to hear from religious leaders in the Catholic Church that this means “thou shalt not ‘murder’”…killing in self-defense, in battle, or in defense of others is acceptable.
I can’t imagine that anyone. having heard Dan tell his story, would think he had any choice in the matter…if he wanted to live. I also can’t image that anyone would presume that what he did was in anyway evil or unforgivable to any deity that may be keeping score. However, I know that Dan, as most of us have, has heard those words “Thou shalt not kill” his entire life. I also know that, despite his gruff nature, Dan is self-aware enough that he appreciates the sanctity of life in general.
I believe he has lived all of these years with the knowledge that he killed another human being and in so doing barely escaped his own certain demise. I wonder how he copes with such an experience. I wonder how he would be different if that unfortunate incident in the jungle never happened…if that other soldier had turned down a different path and never confronted the young US Marine who would ultimately take his life.
A relatively close friend of mine, Nate, is currently stationed abroad on his second tour in Iraq. His situation is very unusual in that he joined the military in his mid-thirties. To be honest, it was more an act of desperation than anything else…he had a family to support and was fearful of losing his home. It became very clear upon his first visit home, however, that the US Army may have been just what he needed. In fact, if he had gone into the military when he was younger, his whole life could have been very different.
After hearing Dan’s story, it occurred to me that there are several things that I haven’t discussed with Nate since he has been away fighting that damn war. Although he certainly has told many stories about his adventures in the desert, I don’t recall any specific mention of losing a friend at close range or killing an enemy combatant. For his sake, I hope he doesn’t have to find out what that is like.
